Letter to Silence
Dearest Hans, as I write this
My boots scrape against the floor
Paper is scarce, pens a luxury
My life unfolds in my eyes
The house is so quiet without your laughter
Five–year–old me aims at a bird
Where did all those years go
The lead flies into the nearby evergreen
Those years we watched movies on weekends
I watch a cartoon with my mom
Sharing a warm blanket on the worn-out couch
My small hand buried inside hers
When food wasn’t rationed
My plate is piled with a feast
Everything felt smooth, natural
My life felt like a puzzle finally being completed
Until everything twisted that one night
Dinner with my family
The world seemed to fracture
The bright wax seal
You were only fifteen
The parchment was crumpled, the ink bled
Yet dreamed of serving Germany
Bold letters not merging into words
Your greatest dreams
Clutched the draft notice to my chest
My worst fears
Everyone begging me not to leave
Stripped of your childhood, stripped of my motherhood
To live a soldier’s life
Don’t leave me, the love of my life
I became a ghost in my own skin
Too young to experience this world
Learned to bury it all underneath
This is the price we pay
I learned to aim, to shoot blindly
Losing your soul for survival
No one dared to cross my path
I still washed your favorite sweater
I felt valued, honored by the citizens of Germany
Even as the front swallowed my only son
But I learned the hard way
Your letters grew scarce
That a soldier’s life is not just honor
The silence of this home will forever be a reminder
It’s sacrifice, hardship, suffering
Knowing your life could end at any moment
Knowing my life could end at any moment
Finally you have achieved peace
All my best memories
Your suffering will be quick
Relived them all as I remembered them one last time
Mine will be slow
My rifle drops into the mud
The ink runs dry on this page
I think of my mother a thousand miles away
My heart breaks a thousand miles away
My eyes close beneath this dreary sky
You will forever be fifteen
I will forever be young
With love,
Mutti