panacea (4)

Red squealed. “Oh wow! If we ever got a house…” She then proceeded to ramble on for the next fifteen minutes about what she would do if she ever got a house in the Valley. She’d buy, no, adopt twenty cats that were all female, because girl cats would never fight with each other, and go to the carnival on the weekends to marvel at the robotic performers, and eat caramel apples whenever she wanted, and drink hot chocolate with every meal.

It was the hopeless ramblings of a child that would never come true, not in a thousand years, but that’s all Red was. A child. And it would be a lie to say that Par didn’t enjoy the sound of Red’s voice, which was still high-pitched with youth.

“She reminds me of you when you were younger,” Arch told her quietly. Red was still talking just a few steps ahead of them.

“What? I was never that childish.” Par raised an eyebrow at him. “Was I?”

“Well, you didn’t talk much until you moved in next to me, but when you did, you sounded a lot like her. Dreamy and hopeful.”

“Huh.” Par stared ahead at Red, a strange look in her eyes. Maybe that was why she saved Red all those years ago. Because she saw herself in the scared ten-year-old that… – seems like you wanted to add more here. tell us about Red when Par found her!

“You were a lot meaner, though.”

Par stomped on his foot.

The next few weeks passed by in a hazy, heated blur. Par stopped scavenging, since the temperature only rose, leaving Arch and Red to go sneaking around in the landfills alone. Instead, she stayed within the confines of their shack, polishing up metal until it gleamed in the emerald sun, clipping wires with the precision of a surgeon, and rebuilding generators that could fit in the palm of her hand. great sensory details through here. pacing is nice as well.

Meanwhile, Arch worked with their clients, all of them anonymous, since their contractor, Bryce, refused to let his clients meet his workers. At Sunday market, Red sold the parts they didn’t need. Since she didn’t officially work for any contractor in the Slums, she could keep her wages. They kept what little they’d earned underneath a loose brick in the back of their shack. They didn’t have to worry about food, since their boss, Bryce, provided them with it.– consider making this detail more specific. “Once a week, Bryce provided them with rations of ___, ____, more dystopian storyworld food.”- this is an opportunity to build out lore subtly!

One morning, Par was fixing up Arch’s leg after he got it caught on some undergrowth in the forest. – nice additional context! A couple of years ago, the Disease had eaten away at his left leg until only what he had above his knee remained. Everything below that was made of metal and copper that replaced bone and skin, and Sap running through wires that was supposed to replicate his bloodstream. The result was half of a metal leg that very closely represented a human one. – more great details!

She barely remembered when she first learned she had gotten the Disease. It hadn’t felt any different than usual, until bruises started randomly appearing on her spine, and doing anything that required using her back began to hurt like hell. One day, she passed out, and the next day, her surgery was completed, and she was in the Slums. All she knew about the Disease was somewhat of a distant memory to her. – I love the additional backstory for Par you’ve added. Be aware you’ll need to change this if you decide to go through with her memory loss storyline. Or at least alter it to make it more vague… aka … she thinks she remembers getting the disease/ she was told she had bruises…

This draft is looking good! You’ve provided a little more backstory for Par, which works well here since we’ve already spent quite a bit of time with her, seeing how she interacts with others. Your pacing throughout this section works well too- you’ve taken a break from the dialogue to dive into some more lore. Speaking of lore, use these smaller moments to build it out. Take the food Bryce provides them with, for example. Now is a good opportunity to tell us what kind of strange dystopian meals they eat in the slums! Nicely done.