The Moon Woke Up
A parody
In 10000 BCE, a cosmic entity known as the Lunar Progenitor destroyed the dead, barren moon and replaced it with one that could create watery, rose‑pink Moon Juice that glows softly, carrying a faint, sharp metallic odor. The Moon Juice spreads across bedrock, a material that can awaken any celestial body. Lunar named this new moon Patricia and gave her the ultimate destiny: to collide with Earth at a selected period, awakening its hidden mind. This allows the planet to gains purpose, unlock power, and defy cosmic rules.
During the 1969 Apollo 11 mission, Patricia officially woke up, spun for a few seconds for no reason, and headed for Earth. Her gravitational pulse was immense, ripping a wall off the Apollo spacecraft. Two astronauts floated in space, watching Patricia crash straight into Africa, destroying the continent and causing catastrophic global damage. It slams directly into Africa to obliterate it, yet shockwaves and ash sweep across the whole globe. A blinding flash burned the astronauts’ helmet faceplates. It slams directly into Africa to obliterate it, yet shockwaves and ash sweep across the whole globe. A blinding flash burns the astronauts’ helmet faceplates.
Meanwhile, Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus also awakened and approached Earth. (When a celestial body awakens, its hidden mind activates, gains purpose, unlocks power, and defies cosmic rules.) The rest of humanity lived a harsher life, and so did those in Africa. With millions dead and the survivors moonfected with the moon juice, life became harder. F.R.I.E.N.D. Industries took advantage of this to explore the gas giants, but it was impossible because the moons of the planets kept jumping out of Jupiter and Saturn’s mouths. The ORIS (Orbital Reconnaissance and Interplanetary Surveillance, F.R.I.E.N.D. Industries’ deep‑space reconnaissance probe series built to study the newly‑awakened gas giants) Program Probes were sent to both Jupiter and Saturn, but Callisto and Titan, along with other moons, destroyed them, eating them on their way to the gas giants. They weren’t angry; they were simply protecting the gas giants and destroying what they thought were intruders, also consuming or infecting any celestial bodies. They were naturally terrified that Uranus’ moons would also eat their satellites.
Decades after Mars awakened, Earth itself woke up, infected by the Moon Juice the Moon created. Humanity was doomed and tried to find exoplanets to live on. But every exoplanet awakened at that same moment, triggered by the galaxy‑spreading ripple of Moon Juice energy originating from Patricia, when she collided with Earth and created a lightspeed ripple of energy, so the exoplanets were free to exit or enter the habitable zone. Humanity wasn’t able to survive, and the last human died in 3056, when Earth was eaten by a cold gas giant named Methuselah. Meanwhile, the Lunar Progenitor loomed nearby.