Stream of Consciousness Writing
Jingwei Zhao
It was lightly drizzling as I glanced out my window. Rain. I love being in the rain, and I feel that associating it with sadness is incorrect. The weather doesn’t control your emotions. You can be happy in the rain and sad while beams of sunlight are directed toward you. I’ve always thought those ideas are foolish. It’s pouring now. The harder it rains, the more comfortable I feel. I’m not depressed or emo or anything; I just like the effect of water droplets splashing on top of me. Although I dislike getting my shoes wet, walking in the rain is one of the most calming experiences I’ve had. Sometimes, when I walk in the rain, I also like listening to music from my AirPods.
Music. The genres I listen to range from hip-hop to alt-rock and other genres in between. I often wear AirPods for hours at a time, and I do occasionally worry that listening to music for long periods of time will lead to hearing loss. I hope I don’t lose my hearing. I play piano, which is a musical instrument, yet I rarely listen to classical music. Songs with well-constructed lyrics or catchy instrumentals catch my attention more.
My attention span is absolutely ruined. I cannot focus on schoolwork or learning in general. My mind constantly wanders off somewhere else, and it’s very frustrating. I worry about what my future holds if I can’t sit still, so this is another worry I have. Writing about my thoughts often reveals a pessimistic perspective. I don’t have the most positive mindset, so when I’m alone with my thoughts, I start to question everything I do. I think of all the issues I have and everything I could be improving, and it makes me regret not taking more opportunities.
For example, I feel guilty for not putting in more effort to better understand complex mathematical concepts. If I did, I’d surely be at the top of my class. I should also have done more community work, as I’m now severely behind, and I’ll be starting high school soon. There is a requirement of 75 hours of community work for graduation, and I currently have only 30. A few of my friends have already reached over 100 hours, and I just believe I could be doing better. Or, am I simply worrying too much? Am I even using the consciousness writing technique properly?
I don’t really have a story to tell, and I read from the given articles that this style of writing simulates stream-like thought processes. Well, my thoughts are flowing from one to another, so I hope I’m using this technique correctly. I hate doubting myself, as it always leaves me asking what-if questions. I hate this.
Hate. When it comes to socializing, I often don’t have issues. However, I still occasionally encounter awkward situations. I can talk, but I don’t usually feel like it. It’s not that I’m lonely or anything, but sometimes I just feel ignored. I know the feeling of being ignored happens to the majority of people, but it still makes me feel slightly unnoticed. You know what? I think I’m alright. There are always pains and inconveniences that come with growing up and having new experiences, so I shouldn’t stress about them. At the end of the day, no matter how much I think, I always come to this conclusion.
In my eyes, the solution to getting rid of feelings of self-loathing or regret is to work to be the best version of myself. No matter where I start, I always maintain the mindset that hard work and dedication can overcome raw talent alone. As long as I remain consistent with working towards bettering myself, whether it be actively chasing my goals, practicing harder for piano or swimming, or further developing my educational abilities, then I’ll be fine. The feelings of self-hatred will be much less painful, as I know I’ve worked to become a better person. I’ll always have regrets, but ultimately, I think it’ll be alright. I’ll be fine.
