Government Leaders Decide It’s Only Fair to Religious Leaders If No One Eats Anything

After bouts of religious discrimination involving certain communities judging others for their restrictive diets, the government announced as of last Tuesday, no one is allowed to eat anything. Chuck Schemer, Senator of New York, claims that this will bring more peace and less discrimination to the world: “If nobody can eat anything, no one can judge anything. The logic is quite seamless, wouldn’t you agree?”

Although certain restriction on diets such as halal or kosher have existed for centuries, prevalent discrimination towards those who abide by these traditions still occurs throughout the country. Previously the federal government tried to send anyone who commits racism to others as an immediate life-sentence in prison, but after this was extended to food critics as well, the government accidentally imprisoned itself. After having no one left to arrest, police officers began to simply arrest themselves and each other.

“The government has the right idea, but the execution is far from righteous,” says Professor Eyeam Haelthy who teaches courses in public health and politics at Harvard University. “I have had many government issues to study in recent years,” Haelthy said with a long sigh. Other health experts side with the government however, after briefcases of money were found in their houses according to a local police investigation.

Professor Eyeam Haelthy says steak and bacon were not very healthy in the first place, “Even though many people eat steak and bacon, it is not as healthy as people think it is. I’d recommend eating nothing instead just to avoid the risk of raising your blood pressure.” Some members of the public have not reacted well to Haelthy’s precautions. Sir Loin Robeye, a former professional chef, remarks that “There is no problem with steak itself, unlike Dr. Haelthy’s brain.” Nevertheless, the government has decided to listen to the more qualified experts and advance their bans on food.

President Emmanuel Macron of France has expressed his shock and disgust towards these new bans, “The man behind these rules is completely out of his mind if he believes that banning food is solving any problems. If anything he’s creating a bigger problem called world hunger.” President Trump has responded by stating, “[Macron] needs to focus on his own problems since he can’t even control his youth populations. We, on the other hand, are more than capable of controlling everything within our borders.”

Much to President Trump’s chagrin however, workers throughout the U.S. have ceased going to work in order to enjoy their last few weeks of food with their families. However, the government has anticipated such movements and is pleased that only 97% of people have stopped working – far less than originally planned for. Although, it did not anticipate the mobs of people storming the White House kitchens for their government’s food, which ironically consisted of a variety of meats, including steak and bacon. Even exotic meats were discovered, such as ostrich and alligator.

As a response to such unexpected violence, the government recently rolled out a new plan to place restaurants in every major city to allow citizens to regularly enjoy food. These meals, however, will be non-GMO, vegan, cruelty-free, soy-free, no grain, no gluten, no dairy, halal, and kosher called “nutrition blocks.” The government has spent $5 billion to hire celebrities to promote their new products, however they couldn’t find a single celebrity that would agree to eat them. The only person in the entire country who agreed to consume such slop, was the man who created it, President Trump himself.

“This is the best food I’ve ever had in my life, remember to buy some for $10 a bite!” he remarked. Immediately afterwards, reports say that the President had diarrhea for 10 days straight due to the consumption of the slop he had introduced being so indigestible to the human body. In a way, this situation is quite ironic because President Trump is the one who introduced this product into the market due to stirring anti-immigrant sentiments amongst Americans back in 2016 in the first place.

The common people decide to complain saying that these restaurants were uncommon and that they were practically impossible to find, due to these complete cuts to food. This caused President Trump to start a fundraiser to raise money for all of these new restaurants that will serve his nutrition blocks. The sum of money donated to the fundraiser total was 50 million. 0% of these donations was from the people and the rest were from the President’s bank account. However these funds still set up enough restaurants for there to be nearly non-edible food for the whole country. However, almost instantaneously, the people barricaded the doors to the kitchens stopping the cooks from getting in. Therefore, President Trump had a problem. So he decided to send a law to Congress about no one being able to barricade kitchens. Congress had a vote on the law. The final score? Out of 535 people, 0 people voted yes.

Ultimately President Trump decided to repeal of the law as of earlier this week. Although the benefits have demonstrated to be minimal, newfound cohesion has formed across communities in unanimous agreement on the importance of food.