I couldn’t sleep at all. My fingers shook uncontrollably. Any heat previously in them was gone. Beads of sweat ran down the side of my head, filling my ears uncomfortably as I lay in bed. The very bed that grew smaller with each passing year of high school. Or maybe I was the one who had grown…who knows.
I sure didn’t. I only knew that I’d never heard of a 15-year-old junior before. I stared up at the ceiling, trying desperately to count sheep. But there weren’t any to be found. Instead, I could only count the days left until summer was over.
Oh, right. That was tomorrow. Tomorrow, I would be entering the eleventh grade. One year closer to college. One year closer to freedom. One year closer to death…
My mind wandered idly. Why was I so pessimistic? But then again, why have a glass half-full when it could’ve been filled all the way?
I said this to my friend Sarah once and she just laughed. “You should be grateful anyone even considered giving you water when you have such a sour attitude.” She snickered, playfully punching me in the arm.
Sarah, who was basically my polar opposite, was a hopeless romantic. She would hit it off with a guy just to get dumped the next week or so. That didn’t bother her much, though. Sometimes I got jealous of how simple she saw life to be. She didn’t care about grades, money, or anything, really. She just fell in love and let her boyfriend handle everything else. And I kept her in line with reality.
“Girl, why do you study so much? Come with me to the mall, pretty please! You know, like a girls’ day? Starbucks is on me.” Sarah waltzed over to me while I sprawled over my biology textbook, giving me a big grin. “Trust me, you’ll still get into med school even if you miss one day of learning about photosynthesis.” Her smile widened after saying the last word.
I just stared at her in confusion. “You know what photosynthesis is?”
She let out a high-pitched squeal and started jumping up and down. “I know right? I’m learning so much with Todd. He’s the best. We study together every day after school in the library. And he’s so incredibly handsome.” She looked up at the ceiling as if she had just unlocked the door to heaven.
Without even looking up at her, I mumbled, “What happened to Austin? Did you scare him away?”
The light instantly left her eyes and her gaze fell to the floor, avoiding my eye contact. “I don’t really know, he said I was moving too fast.”
“Yeah, isn’t that what Ryan said too?”
“Okay, that was because I couldn’t help myself and said I wanted to marry him on the second date.”
“Sure. What about Trevor?”
“How was I supposed to know that he didn’t want me hugging him every time he sat down on the bench during his soccer games? I was just being a supportive girlfriend!”
“Whatever.”
This is why I didn’t believe in love. Well, I did… just not high school or teenage love. All of it was so fake to me, and I didn’t have time for it. Maybe in the future, I would. But that was only once I ensured that I would be going to med school at a good college and making a substantial amount of money. The money was just a circumstantial part of it, of course.
Thus, because I wasn’t craving attention, I didn’t think twice about what I wore to school, what I looked like, or how I acted. So why was I so nervous?
I mean, who wouldn’t be? Junior year. If I want to get into med school, my grades matter. I need to show them– the college admissions who allegedly read all my recommendation letters, allegedly fawn over my achievements, and allegedly decide that I’m the “perfect fit” for their school– what I was made of. And if I wanted to do well in school, that would all start with good first impressions. I couldn’t be a teacher’s pet, because that’s embarrassingly cringe. But I also couldn’t act like I wasn’t interested in the subject, because that didn’t stand out. I shouldn’t deliberately grind out all the assignments, since that will make me look nerdy and “too smart” or “impatient.” But I couldn’t act dumb for ego purposes. What was that happy medium? How do I find the Goldielocks fit?
And preferably without any socializing conversations. Yeah, practically impossible.
That’s why I was nervous. No, it wasn’t because of the boys. It wasn’t because of all the noise. All the voices telling me to “be better,” “get out of my comfort zone,” and “talk to people.” They clouded my mind like an inevitable smog.
Just then, my phone rang. It was Sarah.
“Hey girl, I was at a meeting with Todd, so I couldn’t remind you on time! I know it’s midnight but please don’t forget to take your meds.”
— — —
As soon as I took them, I felt the effect. My restless mind stopped talking. I was out cold. The minute my alarm started blaring, I jumped up from the bed, scared to death. Was it time already?
I threw on my clothes and headed downstairs. I didn’t have an appetite at all, so I skipped breakfast. My dad then drove me to school because, unlike all my classmates, I didn’t have my license. I enjoyed some quality silence with my father before reluctantly heading out the car door when we arrived at school. I walked slowly, eyes on the floor, all the way to my first class: Biology.
I sure didn’t. I only knew that I’d never heard of a 15-year-old junior before. I stared up at the ceiling, trying desperately to count sheep. But there weren’t any to be found. Instead, I could only count the days left until summer was over.
Oh, right. That was tomorrow. Tomorrow, I would be entering the eleventh grade. One year closer to college. One year closer to freedom. One year closer to death…
My mind wandered idly. Why was I so pessimistic? But then again, why have a glass half-full when it could’ve been filled all the way?
I said this to my friend Sarah once and she just laughed. “You should be grateful anyone even considered giving you water when you have such a sour attitude.” She snickered, playfully punching me in the arm.
Sarah, who was basically my polar opposite, was a hopeless romantic. She would hit it off with a guy just to get dumped the next week or so. That didn’t bother her much, though. Sometimes I got jealous of how simple she saw life to be. She didn’t care about grades, money, or anything, really. She just fell in love and let her boyfriend handle everything else. And I kept her in line with reality.
“Girl, why do you study so much? Come with me to the mall, pretty please! You know, like a girls’ day? Starbucks is on me.” Sarah waltzed over to me while I sprawled over my biology textbook, giving me a big grin. “Trust me, you’ll still get into med school even if you miss one day of learning about photosynthesis.” Her smile widened after saying the last word.
I just stared at her in confusion. “You know what photosynthesis is?”
She let out a high-pitched squeal and started jumping up and down. “I know right? I’m learning so much with Todd. He’s the best. We study together every day after school in the library. And he’s so incredibly handsome.” She looked up at the ceiling as if she had just unlocked the door to heaven.
Without even looking up at her, I mumbled, “What happened to Austin? Did you scare him away?”
The light instantly left her eyes and her gaze fell to the floor, avoiding my eye contact. “I don’t really know, he said I was moving too fast.”
“Yeah, isn’t that what Ryan said too?”
“Okay, that was because I couldn’t help myself and said I wanted to marry him on the second date.”
“Sure. What about Trevor?”
“How was I supposed to know that he didn’t want me hugging him every time he sat down on the bench during his soccer games? I was just being a supportive girlfriend!”
“Whatever.”
This is why I didn’t believe in love. Well, I did… just not high school or teenage love. All of it was so fake to me, and I didn’t have time for it. Maybe in the future, I would. But that was only once I ensured that I would be going to med school at a good college and making a substantial amount of money. The money was just a circumstantial part of it, of course.
Thus, because I wasn’t craving attention, I didn’t think twice about what I wore to school, what I looked like, or how I acted. So why was I so nervous?
I mean, who wouldn’t be? Junior year. If I want to get into med school, my grades matter. I need to show them– the college admissions who allegedly read all my recommendation letters, allegedly fawn over my achievements, and allegedly decide that I’m the “perfect fit” for their school– what I was made of. And if I wanted to do well in school, that would all start with good first impressions. I couldn’t be a teacher’s pet, because that’s embarrassingly cringe. But I also couldn’t act like I wasn’t interested in the subject, because that didn’t stand out. I shouldn’t deliberately grind out all the assignments, since that will make me look nerdy and “too smart” or “impatient.” But I couldn’t act dumb for ego purposes. What was that happy medium? How do I find the Goldielocks fit?
And preferably without any socializing conversations. Yeah, practically impossible.
That’s why I was nervous. No, it wasn’t because of the boys. It wasn’t because of all the noise. All the voices telling me to “be better,” “get out of my comfort zone,” and “talk to people.” They clouded my mind like an inevitable smog.
Just then, my phone rang. It was Sarah.
“Hey girl, I was at a meeting with Todd, so I couldn’t remind you on time! I know it’s midnight but please don’t forget to take your meds.”
— — —
As soon as I took them, I felt the effect. My restless mind stopped talking. I was out cold. The minute my alarm started blaring, I jumped up from the bed, scared to death. Was it time already?
I threw on my clothes and headed downstairs. I didn’t have an appetite at all, so I skipped breakfast. My dad then drove me to school because, unlike all my classmates, I didn’t have my license. I enjoyed some quality silence with my father before reluctantly heading out the car door when we arrived at school. I walked slowly, eyes on the floor, all the way to my first class: Biology.
